


what I wish I could say to you

by six_out_of_ten



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Death, Female Friendship, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Major character death - Freeform, Memories, POV Female Character, POV First Person, non-fiction, true story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 04:52:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15284076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/six_out_of_ten/pseuds/six_out_of_ten
Summary: One of my close friends died recently, this is just a way for me to grieve. This is all of the memories I could remember.





	what I wish I could say to you

"Hey kid, how have you been doing?" I say out loud to no one as I sit on this deserted beach. The stars are bright tonight and the waves keep crashing in, slowly creeping closer and closer.

"I miss you. You better be somewhere fucking awesome right now." I say as I draw lines in the sand next to me. 

"Remember that time when we were having trouble with our math homework? My sister came in and told us she knew how to do it because she had taken the class twice already. But then the next day when we checked our answers they were all wrong. We laughed so hard!" I say with a half-hearted laugh. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes already.

The cool ocean breeze washes over me and I lean back to lay down in the sand. I'm going to hate myself later for getting sand in my hair but right now I don't really care.

"I miss you coming home with me after school every day. We have so many good memories. Like, remember that time I made you laugh so hard you pissed your pants? You were so embarrassed and made me swear to never tell anyone."

"Or that time you got a Charlie horse in a middle of a nap. I had no idea what was happening! One moment you were asleep, the next you were screaming. I'm sorry I laughed so hard, I probably should have helped you out"

"I guess you got your revenge when I slipped off the top bunk while you were asleep. You didn't even stir when I was struggling to climb back up!"

"You always fell asleep wherever you were. You could have probably fallen asleep standing up! I miss you taking naps at my house." 

I keep talking as I stare up at the stars as if your face will appear in the sky.

"I keep seeing you everywhere. I'll walk around my house and memories will come crashing in."

"I see you at my kitchen table eating or pretending to do homework. Remember when we realized how creepy that Christmas song was? And then we sang it in an even creepier way using voices?" 'He sees you when you're sleeping, DUN DUN DUN. He knows when you're awake, DUN DUN DUN. He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake, YAH YAH YAH!' Oh my goodness you laughed so hard you fell off your chair! I think I scared you a little bit when I jumped out at the end."

"You're also there in my bathroom. Remember when you had such a horrible sunburn you couldn't even put on a shirt! You begged us to put lotion on it but all we had was the perfumed kind. I guess it just irritated it more because you started screaming! I'm sorry I laughed so hard."

"You were the only person who knew I liked cooking shows, other than my family of course. Sorry I made you watch so many. You mostly slept through them anyway."

"I see you and me on my bed watching horror movies. I mean they were supposed to be scary but you always made them hilarious. Like when that old lady was chasing that kid! Oh my goodness, you could have died laughing."

"You did die laughing didn't you? That's what the other girls say at least." I choke as silent tears continue to run down my face and land in the sand.

"I can still hear your laugh. Your loud, contagious, obnoxious laugh."

"Remember when we went out to dinner after a soccer game? The cashier asked you if you wanted anything on your burger and you replied 'Yes'. You didn't even notice and turned right back around to continue talking!"

"You know you're the reasons I play soccer right? I loved being on your team. Remeber when we were eleven and had a game on my birthday. I must have told you a hundred times that I wanted to score my first goal. I was so annoying I don't know why you put up with me." I laugh sadly.

"I was always scared to be paired up with you because you were so good. I didn't want to annoy you with how bad I am at passing."

"I had forgotten that you were my best friend when we were little until I saw all the pictures of us. I don't know if I was your best friend but you were mine."

"Remember festival? Both of our parents worked so we would be stuck there the whole time. I remember sneaking around the school at night. I was always so scared. You were always so easy going, you would even fall asleep in the back of the booth when your dad was working."

"You used to get dropped off at my house when we had a track or cross country meet remember? I loved getting ready to compete with you, you always hyped me up."

"I loved running cross country with you during eighth grade. You and I were the only eighth grade girls on the team and I got to spend so much time with you. We thought we were the shit because we had done it for five years already. We hated it so much but I loved that I got to spend an hour with just you and me. That was the only sport I ever beat you at. Sorry, I wouldn't run with you in the meets, but I knew that if I did you would just out sprint me in the end."

"And then there's the time when my mom made you run the 4 by 400-meter relay at our championship track meet. Man, you HATED the 400. You were only thirty yards away when you had to stop and throw up. That's the only time you actually let two girls beat you. We lost the meet by four points and we never let you hear the end of it." 

"I'm so proud of you-you know. All of your school records and first places, you worked so hard. You made it to states as a freshman and a sophomore!"

"Remember when I hadn't seen you at all the summer before eighth grade? You were at my house earlier because we had a retreat and you were so surprised at how long my hair was! I didn't even believe you when you said it had grown. I still have the blurry selfies we took that day on my phone."

"I miss all of your funny notes in my yearbooks. You'd always sign as 'Juan' for some reason."

"We grew apart these last two years cause we didn't have any classes together, but whenever we talked it was if nothing had ever changed. You'd always ask me to grab your books from your locker, I can still see your handwriting on my arm where you would write your combination."

"You hated your handwriting but it was so unique, it was so you. It's funny, whoever made that sign for you at the crash site had really similar handwriting. We all thought you had written it."

"I know you would have hated all the attention and all the pictures. I know you're so embarrassed that your middle name is plastered everywhere, I know you hated it."

"Why didn't you just wear your seatbelt? You would never wear it, not even in my car. I remember thinking that something bad was going to happen, and now it has. You used to share your music with me during our car rides. whenever 'Shut Up and Dance' comes on I think of you. You showed me 'Talking to the Moon' by Bruno Mars, how ironic."

"Remember when we went to Chicago and we sat in the very last row on the plane. The turbulence was SO BAD. I showed you December by Neck Deep and you got so excited when it mentioned Chicago. I still have our gross iPod selfies and that video of you dancing to Halo."

"I miss you, Brooke. You were here when I was really struggling when my family was falling apart. You were the only one who knew because you basically lived with us. You made me realize how not normal it was. You were the only person I was comfortable being religious around before high school. You are a better sister to me than any of my actual sisters. I love you so much."

"Everyone says be there for the family, but you were my family. I would even mix up your name with my sister's! Everyone is moving on so fast and I can't. I wish you were here, I wish it wasn't your time. I know there's a reason but I don't understand why."

"I can't talk about you in the past tense without wanting to cry. I keep expecting to see you. I keep forgetting you're gone. I love you so much and I know you're watching over us. Keep praying for us angel, I hope I see you again soon."


End file.
